Sunday, January 30, 2011

For the love....

I snapped at school. A little piece in me broke and I went to my Assistant Principal and said "he goes, or I go". Now you may ask did I really mean that I was going to quit? No, I certainly did not. I think I really only meant for the afternoon, but she took me very seriously and said she'd much rather see me be able to do my job and if the only way I could see me doing my job was to have my special friend out of the room, then so be it. We'll call him CC. This child is above and beyond anything I can handle on my own. I did not let myself admit, let alone think, this for the first 2.5 months I have been at EGES. But like I said, something snapped. Perhaps it was the bruises I now I have on my arms and legs from when I had to use my body to hold the double doors closed so he could not get out as he was banging his head, hands, and feet against me/the door. Perhaps it was my other special friend, let's just go ahead and call him Baby, when he fell to the floor in the cafeteria because another student got a fork before him in line. His tears and snot and screams after the morning I had literally pushed me over the edge. I was just standing there staring at him, trying to find the energy, will power, desire, motivation, whatever the word is, to do something. I couldn't. An assistant I have come to rely on when it comes to Baby and CC for her very stern manner, walked into the cafeteria, heard/saw the mess Baby was making, looked at me and said "Ms. T, go to your room...I've got this". I just turned around, and walked straight into my Assistant Principal's office.

This all happened about a week and a half ago. In that time, I have gotten the flu, had half my class fall ill, had my assistant out for 2 days, a flat tire, lost my drivers license, NOT been called by the boy, lectured (as a staff) by our principal, had 4 parent-teacher conferences, and all around been miserable. I have tried to shake it, but sometimes, you just can't.

I have been sitting here all day essentially, on one of the most beautiful days Raleigh has seen in awhile, trying to get myself ready and excited for this week at school. I don't have it in me. I don't care. I could not show up at school tomorrow and only because of the backlash it would create from my team/administration/parents, I could not care less. In my past 4 years of teaching, I would take a day off for whatever reason, and would miss my kids. I would miss my team, I would simply miss my school and want to be back to see all that I missed. I don't have that anymore. I didn't think of it this way at first, but I have a new student and I feel like I have to do everything in my power to protect him from this class, this school. He has come in just after mid-year and has no idea what he is getting into with my class. If I can prevent one person from feeling the angst and pain that this place gives me, then perhaps I'm doing some good after all.

How can a school be so broken that it makes everyone miserable?????

How do I get out?

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

they're free.. why not

The fabulous Miss JB and I are off to the canes game tonight. I won two free tickets from my school and so why not! There were 6 sets of 2 tickets each. When I talked to some of the other teachers that won, they are all bringing their husbands or boyfriends. When it was my turn to ask who I was bringing, I simply said "J..... and I think we're drinking beforehand so you'll have to forgive us.... we're both single and well, it's gonna be a girls' night out.... ya know?". Which was followed by silence. I think they're rather jealous.

So if you're able to watch the game on tv tonight, don't bother looking for us. We are in the top section last row..... I'm pumped.

Sunday, January 9, 2011

"Don't judge a book by it's cover"

A fellow Ms. T ( told me this past weekend to well 1) update my blog and 2) to not judge a book by it's cover. Throughout the weekend I found myself having to remind myself of this many times for many different reasons. So here I am, updating my blog.....

With my birthday coming up in a month I've been doing a lot of thinking about the future and all that jazz. Pam, a fun friend we met last night at the bar, who, at the age of 45, grabbed my hand and told me to "let it all go, don't plan and get the hell out there and do the damn thing".

I have found myself in the company of a few people lately, that are nothing like what they appear to be. Last night, this was made ever so clear. Just because you think or other people think they know someone, how do you ever truly know what they are like. I fell (just a little) for a guy that was sweet, smart, good looking, and a straight up nice guy. I wasn't planning on it, it just happened. And then last night, he showed me what he was really after. In the past, I would try and fix this situation, thinking if I just give it some more time, maybe he'll come around; I mean, I'm having fun right? HELL NO. I am who I am, and I know what I want. If you aren't OK with that, then we're done. I would rather be alone then be with someone who doesn't want more than a bed buddy(duh, right?). This was a friend of a friend. I've known him for a little while. Supposed to be safe. I guess what I'm saying is you never know what you're gonna get. So I'm done picking out books based on the cover. It may look like a great book, but there is no guarantee that you're going to actually like it. No more just picking up romantic comedies, we're going to branch out and see what is out there. I'm not good at putting myself out there but sometimes you just have to get out of your own way. You never know because one minute a boy could be making you feel utterly cheap and easy, and then the next minute you could meet a boy from South Carolina who tells you that you have a beautiful smile and should use it more often ;)

Here's to not judging a book by it's cover and to lots and lots of reading in the future.