again with the what-if

So my field hockey team lost yesterday. Because we lost it became the last game of the season. We were in the state tournament and we lost to Charlotte Latin (again in triple over time to strokes - like penalty kicks in soccer). I firmly believe, not just because I'm the coach, that we were the better team. but oh well, i suppose. Coming into this season I never expected the team to come together like this. I never expected us to be Conference Champions and go into the state tournament the #3 seed. In the end though, I expected us to go all the way and I feel a little cheated. I also never thought, that after just one season of coaching, I would be crying when trying to get the little speech after the game. I dont think a single girl on the team wasn't crying. I don't think it's because we're all girls we were crying. But when you work so hard for something and you know it could've all been yours, but instead just 20 yards away someone else is celebrating. Once again, on the long drive back from charlotte, a solid 3 hours in the rain and the dark, i played over and over the 'what-if' game. what if that ref, instead of coming up to me after the game and explaining that he missed the call, had actually called the foul on my player that had the break away in the 2nd overtime sudden death period so she would've gotten the ball at the top of the circle with only 1 defender. What if one of our all-state players hadn't had a hurt calf muslce (which now looks like she's torn it). What if...... In just one game, 74 minutes of one afternoon, I can play so many what-ifs. Imagine in life when you play that game.

have you ever done the 'what-if' game? gone back to any one particular moment in your life and said i could've done this. where would i be now.......?

what if i had gone to a different boarding school? any other boarding school would've not led me here to raleigh. i know that for a fact. i went to EHS. reconnected with a family friend who went to my new rival highschool. became friends with his friends. became best friends with them. they came back to raleigh after college. and i shortly followed suit. so here i am.

what if i had decided on a different sorority? would i have become such good friends with Ro? would i have moved to Baltimore after graduation? i could've moved somewhere i aboslutely loved (which was not baltimore) and not come to raleigh because i was looking for something else.

so i guess what it all comes down to, is i think i've really found my home. the past 15 months have been very hard personally. but also the most life changing and rewarding months. i have had emergency (what was later deemed life threatening) surgery. i have been 'relocated' in my school being forced to change around and be more flexible than i ever though possible. i have had some of the most challenging times with friends. forcing to make difficult decisions about our future and wondering 'is this what friendship boils down to?' the real world has certainly not been all fun and games. and i have so much growing to do it takes my breathe away sometimes. but i am so lucky. i have a family that would pull out all the stops. i have friends that make me cry i miss them so. i have a job that is so rewarding even though it asks so much of me. sometimes i feel so old: how can i almost be 25 and feel so young???? but thank God for that. i am young, and though i may be stubborn as hell, highly opinionated, and pushy as all get-out, i am young. and i'm happy with the people around me, the world i'm trying to create, and i think, maybe, just maybe, one day... i'll get there

so who knows. but the whole 'what-if' game. you have to be careful with that one. you can't play with regrets.